If you wish to know why marriages burst apart, and exactly what it appears like when they do, talk to a divorce lawyer. Better yet, read a book by a divorce lawyer regarding the reason why individuals divorce.
Over the span of our discussion, I questioned Sexton the reason why individuals end up in his office, what information he has for men and women having difficulties in their marriages, why he calls Facebook an “infidelity-generating machine,” and why he’s still a romantic after all these years.
What are the most common reasons men and women end up in your workplace?
They come in for large reasons like infidelity or financial improprieties. But from my viewpoint, these large reasons have their beginnings in a sequence of smaller decisions that individuals make that bring them further and further away from each other, to the level that those little things no longer feel quite so small. Everybody, when they get married, starts off with the same destination in mind. People wish to stay cheerfully ever after. No one ever gets married with the objective of getting separated.
In Tom Wolfe’s Bonfire of in the Vanities one of the characters is chatting about how he went financially broke and one of the other people states, “Tim, just how did you go broke?” He said, “Well, I went broke the way that everyone does, fairly gradually and then all at once.” I believe that is just how relationships stop. Fairly gradually and then all at once. There are lots of small things that take place and then the flooding comes, then the gigantic things happen. The question is, can we stop the small items that take us further away from each other prior to it’s too late?
What’s your advice to members who are thinking about getting married?
Take it seriously. The simplest information that I render to individuals is to look at it just like the purchase of a car, because I believe, occasionally, people give more thought to the buying of a car than they do to the choice to get wedded.
If I said to the typical person, “What car do you want? If you could posses whatever car in the globe, just what car do you want?” many individuals might state, “I want a Lamborghini. I want a Ferrari.” But if I said to them, “Well, this car that you select is going to be the exclusive car you can posses for the remainder of your life,” you have to modify the evaluation, right? Because the car or truck you want in your twenties and the car or truck you want in your 30s when you’ve got a couple of children is extremely different.
So you’d need to choose something that suits each part of your life. You’d have to pick something that was kind of fun and sexy enough to see you throughout your twenties nevertheless functional enough to handle when you have kids. I think it’s the same when selecting a mate.
At the risk of appearing unromantic, I believe you need to look at a person and say, “Okay, is this a person who is going to make sense at all different stages of this process? Because my life is going to change. I’m going to change. What’s important to me is going to change. Is this a person who can transform with me so that we end up [moving] in the same direction? Or is this someone that makes good sense for me at this chapter and may not in the forthcoming future?”
That is the first thing. The second option is to ask your self the question: “What is the problem to which marriage is the answer for me?” Anytime someone tries to sell something to me, whether it’s a cellular phone or a new app, I ask myself, “What is the issue this is seeking to solve?” So, if you mention to me, “Oh, I’ve got this software package that helps you purchase guacamole online,” well, is that a issue I actually posses? I believe individuals often presume marriage is a practical option to do without even questioning themselves this question.